What do you do when you are challenged? How do you deal with conflict? Do you deal well with people poking at your ideas or your authority? How do you deal with aggressive refusal?
It is easy to find ourselves in a reactive state, especially when people are questioning our ideas. It is also easy to take a positional stance and then defend it. It's hard to separate ourselves from our ideas or beliefs and we can wind up looking unprepared, stubborn, emotional, or even volatile. Being able to handle hot topics, criticism, or button pushers, aggressive individuals and even bullies is incredibly important to maintain respect from your staff and peers. If we let our emotions catch us off guard we can lose our cool in important moments, and bouncing back from that is difficult.
There are a couple of simple things that you can start doing right away to explore fully the reasons this person is poking at you or your ideas, to show them they have been heard and validate that they have an opinion or position without diminishing yours. In asking questions, not only do you put some of the onus on them, but you are also creating space, and this is incredibly vital to a positive outcome.
Space means two things:
1. They have room to speak out, which means they can tell whatever story they have. People have an innate need for validation it costs you nothing to give them that. You can understand what they are saying or how they feel.
2. You have room. If you felt a little off-balance you can get your proper state back, you can consider what they are saying, you can look for the points which you do agree on and ask the right questions to move things forward. Asking questions opens you up to learning what might be the real underlying factors that creates this person's concerns. You become active in exploring options, you show respect for your peers or followers which only adds to their respect for you, and who knows, you might even get enough proof to change your opinion.
Let's put this into a hypothetical situation
You just put forward a proposal that you put weeks into and will save the company hundreds of thousands of dollars. One of your co-workers speaks up and says I don't think its a good idea.
There might be some back-story here, other conflicts that immediately come to mind... let go of them. That is you starting to tell yourself a story about motivations or intentions and is going to lead you into that defensive trap.
#1 Step back
You are not your idea, you are not the proposal, this is not about you. Even if there is history, it is just about the proposal. And we always need input to improve what we produce no matter the source.
#2 Encourage the other person to speak
'Why not?' is not a great question as it comes off as reactionary. Instead use something more along the lines of ' Okay, I want to know more about what you are thinking' or 'What are your thoughts'. Ask questions that get more information, you aren't trying to knock down their argument, you need to know more.
#3 Validate and ask more questions
Even just a simple 'I hear what you are saying... do you think...?' Keep asking 'what else' questions until you feel you've fully heard them, you want all of the concerns on the table.
#4 Let silence work for you
Silence makes people a little uncomfortable, it will give the other person a chance to evaluate what they are saying and they might give a little in response. It also gives everyone else in the room time to consider things as well. Just give a pause.
#5 Repeat back what you've heard
This is another form of validation, and it lets the other person know they have been heard. Sometimes just voicing the opinion is enough for many people when decisions are being made.
#6 You can negotiate, take it away, or meet one on one with the other person to collaborate
If you feel there is heat, negotiating might not be the best step right away. Ask to take it away and see if you can make some adjustments, or meet with the individual to get their input. If you feel like a negotiation is possible ' I can't make any guarantees yet, but what would you like to see to make this work?' is a question you can ask in some form.
In the end all of this puts you in the best light. You weren't caught off guard or rattled. Often this approach helps to strengthen your position rather than weaken it, and it keeps you in a 'working state' where good solutions can be found.
-Mark Dawson
